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A little
humor to brighten your day... |
 For all the Italians out
there. . .
An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the
agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his
favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs.
Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the
wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even
greater
effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into
the
kitchen. Where if not for death's agony, he would have thought
himself
already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the
kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette
sprinkled cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic
love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that
he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the
table,
landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted,
the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly
bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on
its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly
smacked with a spatula by his wife......
"Back off!" she said, "They're for the funeral" |
| Distasteful, but funny . . .
First-year students at Med. School were receiving their first
Anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around
the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it is
necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is
that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his
finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger
in his mouth." Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his
students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes,
but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead
body and sucking on it.
When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told
them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in
my Middle finger and sucked on my Index finger. Now learn to pay
attention."
|
Fun Facts:
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled
"Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered
into the English language.
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The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was
Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
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In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed
to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we
have "the rule of thumb"
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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.Treasury.
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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
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Coca-Cola was originally green.
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It is impossible to lick your elbow.
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The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska
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The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
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The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
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The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
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The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given
hour: 61,000
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Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
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The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
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The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
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Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from
history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs-Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
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111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
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If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs
in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front
leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in
battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person
died of natural causes.
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Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th,
John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August
2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
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Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A. Their
birthplace
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Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat
name requested? A. Obsession
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Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go
until you would find the letter "A"? A. One thousand
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Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and
laser printers all have in common? A. All were invented by women.
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Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey
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Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the
year? A. Father's Day
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In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by
ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making
the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase..."goodnight, sleep
tight."
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It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a
month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his
son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer
and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called
the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
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In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old
England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them
"Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the
phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
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Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into
the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a
refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your
whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
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At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
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Believe it or not,
you can read the following paragraph...
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty
uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at
Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the
ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist
and
lsat
ltteer be in the rghit
plae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit
a
porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter
by
istlef,
but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? |
37 Things in the Life of an Italian-American Child
1. You have at least one relative who wore a black dress every day for an entire year after a funeral.
2. You spent your entire childhood thinking what you ate for lunch
was pronounced "sangwich."
3. Your family dog understood Italian.
4. Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your
grandparents and extended family.
5. You've experienced the phenomena of 150 people fitting into 50
square feet of yard during a family cookout.
6. You were surprised to discover the FDA recommends you eat three
meals a day, not seven.
7. You thought killing the pig each year and having salami,
capacollo,
pancetta and prosciutto hanging out to dry from your
shed ceiling
was absolutely normal. (Wow, that's really Italian!)
8. You ate pasta for dinner at least three times a week, and every
Sunday.
9. You grew up thinking no fruit or vegetable had a fixed price and
that the price of everything was negotiable through
haggling.
10. You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.
11. You thought everyone's last name ended in a vowel.
12. You thought nylons were supposed to be worn rolled to the
ankles.
13. Your mom's main hobby is cleaning & cooking.
14. You were surprised to find out that wine was actually sold in
stores.
15. You thought that everyone made their own tomato sauce.
16. You ate your salad after the main course.
17. You thought Catholic was the only religion in the world.
18. Your were beaten at least once with a wooden spoon or broom.
19. You thought every meal had to be eaten with a hunk of bread in
your
hand.
20. You can understand Italian but you can't speak it.
21. You have at least one relative who came over on the boat.
22. All of your uncles fought in a World War.
23. You have at least six male relatives named Tony, Frank, Joe or
Vinnie.
24. You have relatives who aren't really your relatives.
25. You have relatives you don't speak to.
26. You drank wine before you were a teenager.
27. You relate on some level, admit it, to the Godfather and the
Sopranos.
28. You grew up in a house with a yard that didn't have one patch of
dirt that didn't have a flower or a
vegetable growing out of it.
29. Your grandparent's furniture was as comfortable as sitting on
plastic. Wait!!!! You were sitting on
plastic.
30. You thought that talking loud was normal.
31. You thought everyone got pinched on the cheeks and money stuffed
in their pockets by their relatives.
32. Your mother is overly protective of the males in the family no
matter what their age.
33. There was a crucifix in ever y room of the house.
34. Wakes would be held in someone's living room.
35. You couldn't date a boy without getting approval from your
father.
(Oh, and he had to be Italian)
36. You dreaded taking out your lunch at school.
and my personal favorite....
37. Every condition, ailment, misfortune, memory loss and
accident
was attributed to the fact that you didn't
eat something. |
This is very clever. Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters : MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you re arrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters: LIES. LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE |
Below are four 4 questions and a bonus
question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your
time, answer all of them immediately, and don't read the answer
until you've answered the question. OK?
Let's find out just how clever you really are.... Ready? GO!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
First Question: You are participating in a race! . You
overtake the second person. What position are you in?
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then
you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you
take his place, you are second! Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you
took for the first question, OK?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you
are...?
Answer: If you answered that you are second to
last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the
LAST Person? You're not very good at this, are you?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Third Question: Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be
done in your head only! Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.
Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30.
Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What
is the total?
Did you get 5000? The correct answer is
actually 4100. If you don't believe it, check! it with a
calculator! Today is definitely not your day, is! it? Maybe
you'll get the last question right.... Maybe.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fourth Question: Mary's father has five daughters: 1.
Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth
daughter?
Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Okay, now the bonus round: A mute person goes into a shop and
wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his
teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and! the
purchase is done. Next, a blind man comes into the shop who
wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he
wants?
Answer: He just has to open his mouth and ask... It's
really very simple. |
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